Dear Hansborough,

Dear Tyler Hansborough,

plz 2 ACL.

<3,

Bobby

How much is 1 second of your time worth?

For Exxon Mobil, who reported record profits in 2007 of $40.6B USD--a sum which exceeded the GDP of 120 countries--last year was profitable to the tune of $1,287 per second of 2007.

When challenged during a conference call with journalists as to why Exxon Mobil reports record profits concurrent with record prices for crude oil (a.k.a.: why is Exxon getting rich when everyone else is getting poor?), Sr. VP of public affairs, Kenneth Cohen, responded that profits are a function of the size of Exxon Mobil as a business. He continued: "We hope people will focus on the reality of the challenge we are facing."

I'm sorry, Mr. Cohen: I couldn't quite clearly understand your pleas for corporate sympathy over the sound of the American economy screeching into a recession.

And by the way, to my blog readers: In the time it took you to read this post, Exxon Mobil made more money than you will net this year.


Best,

Bobby

plz2die Vista... kthx

So after having my new computer for about six months, it's official: I've fuckin had it with Vista.

While exploring files on my Zen, hey--guess what? Windows Explorer crashes. Right on/whatever, but what's this? Microsoft admits Vista sucks? And they have a solution available for immediate download?

Fuckin a, that's beautiful, right? So I go to download, whereupon I'm greeted with a message: Update does not apply to your system.

::Scratches head:: Well, I did try downloading the update for 32 bit systems--I'm pretty sure Home Premium is 32 bit, but I do have a 64 bit processor... maybe that's it? I'll try that.
So I download the 64 bit update: Update does not apply to your system.

So just to recap, make sure we're on the same page: a Microsoft app crashes, which loads another Microsoft application (which is surely running in the background the entire time, taking up some of the 2 Gigs of ram "actively" being used out of my 4Gb total??)

Anyways, this Microsoft app launches, performs an analysis, provides a fix, sends me to the MS website. Then I have to DL two additional executables before I can even attempt the download of the fix. These are to verify the "Genuine" Windows software. ("Genuine," in this instance of course reminding me of the word "guarantee," of course reminding me of "He knows it's a guaranteed piece of shit!" a la Tommy Boy) And true to form, that entire resource-intensive process provides me with a guaranteed piece of shit solution: none. And as I go to blog about it, Office 2007 Enterprise crashes.

And really, I just see this as emblematic of everything that's wrong with Vista: 8,000 things to do an a-to-b process. Using ungodly resources in the meanwhile, but looking stylish, I admit.

Actually, this is the new business model for Microsoft products: dress it up (when it doesn't need dressing up) in the name of "user friendliness," while actually obscuring industry standards we've previously set. Don't believe me? You obviously haven't used Office 2007 Enterprise. Oooh, yes, that looks pretty--but where is my sort-by column please? And why do all the file extensions now end in x (.docx, .xlsx, etc.)?

Oh worrrrrd? "Security"? And you say these default file extensions won't work in older copies of MSOffice--copies the rest of the world is still using? Awesome! Fuck it , sign me up!

So perhaps Windows is trying to pull an AOL or Yahoo, using their own success to propel them into obscurity. And if so--then it doesn't even matter if Steve Jobs over at Apple is a bigger cunt than the "I'm a Mac" marketing would lead you to believe.

Take THAT Blue Cross Blue Shield!

As many of you know, one of my fondest pastimes is to write angry letters to companies that I feel have slighted me either knowingly or (most frequently) unknowingly. So here is the latest installment, a scathing, tongue-in-cheek tirade targeted at the Blue Cross Blue Shield website, where I recently went to manage my Dental plan...

<THE SIMPSONS>DENTAL PLAN! (Lisa needs braces...)
DENTAL PLAN! (Lisa needs braces..)...</THE SIMPSONS>

So I can get a quote for Dental Blue, apply for it, and sign up for it online, but it takes a star sighting, a Ouija board, and Dionne Warwick to figure out how to manage my dental plan online???

Either implement this functionality please, or else if it's there, for the love of god and sunday Jesus make it more accessible!

And then the customer service line only keeps bankers hours? Wtf guys? With what I pay for dental, I should be able to call Mr. Blue Cross or Ms. Blue Shield and have them amend my plan personally. Good day, sir! I SAID GOOD DAY!

All due credit to a poster on thewolfweb, from whom I took the best bits -- the bit about the star sighting and the bit about god and Sunday Jesus.

A funny voicemail I received

Hhhhhhhhhhhey, its mmmme. Just seein what you were doinnnnnnn.

Yeah, got my Medicaid card today... it was like Christmas. Hah. Now I gotta get these fucked up teeth fixed.

But yeah, I've left you a bunch of messages, and you still havent called me back so maybe if i keep leaving them you'll eventually answer the phone.

An actual, real voicemail I got a month ago. It was a wrong number obviously, and it sounded like a twenty-something girl. It works best if you hear it in your head with inflections similar to Peter Griffin in the episode, "I am Peter, hear me roar."

Oh, and it was a 252 area code.